Marriage is complex and while couple’s therapists provide invaluable support and guidance, there are some truths about marriage they might not openly share. Here are some controversial insights that shed light on the less-talked-about aspects of married life.
1. Being perfectly compatible is a myth
The truth is, no two people are perfectly compatible. Even the happiest couples have areas where they fundamentally disagree or have different preferences. The key to a successful marriage isn’t finding your perfect match, but learning to navigate and respect your differences. This doesn’t mean settling for an unfulfilling relationship. Rather, it’s about understanding that some level of incompatibility is normal and can even contribute to growth and balance in a relationship.
2. Your passion will naturally wane over time
While therapists might suggest ways to “spice things up,” they rarely admit that it’s entirely normal and almost inevitable for passion to decrease over the course of a long-term relationship. The intense, all-consuming desire of the early stages isn’t sustainable long-term. This doesn’t mean your bedroom life is doomed. Instead, it evolves into a different kind of intimacy—one based on deep knowing, comfort, and trust. Understanding this can alleviate a lot of unnecessary guilt and pressure.
3. Some of your problems will never get resolved
Couples usually enter therapy hoping to fix all their problems, but the reality is that some issues in a marriage are perpetual. These are ongoing issues tied to fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle that will likely never fully go away. The goal isn’t always to solve these problems but to learn how to manage them effectively and prevent them from overwhelming the relationship.
4. External factors do play a huge role
While therapists focus on the dynamics between couples, they might not emphasize enough how much external factors influence a marriage. Financial stress, demanding careers, health issues, or challenges with children can strain even the strongest relationships. Recognizing the impact of these external pressures can help couples avoid blaming each other for issues that are, in part, beyond their control. It’s important to see yourselves as a team facing these challenges together.
5. Maintaining individual happiness is crucial
There’s often an emphasis on the couple as a unit, but individual happiness is equally important. A person who is unfulfilled in their own life will struggle to contribute positively to a marriage, no matter how much they love their partner. This means that sometimes, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to focus on your own personal growth, interests, and well-being. It’s essential for the health of the relationship.
6. Marriage doesn’t fix pre-existing issues
While therapists might work on current marital problems, they may not emphasize enough that marriage itself doesn’t solve personal issues. If anything, it often amplifies them. Insecurities, communication problems, or unhealthy patterns don’t disappear once you say “I do.” This means that addressing personal issues is important, both before and during marriage. Expecting marriage to fix deep-seated personal problems is a recipe for disappointment and conflict.
7. Sometimes, love just isn’t enough
A couple can love each other deeply and still be wrong for each other if their fundamental values and life directions are incompatible. This is a hard truth to swallow, but recognizing it can prevent years of trying to force a relationship that ultimately isn’t viable.
8. Children can strain your marriage
While the joy of parenthood is often emphasized, the reality that having children can put significant strain on a marriage is less discussed. This doesn’t mean that children inevitably harm a marriage, but rather that couples need to be prepared for the challenges and actively work to maintain their connection amidst the demands of parenting. Understanding this can help couples proactively strengthen their relationship in preparation for parenthood.
9. Fairness is subjective
The reality is that what’s “fair” in a marriage is highly subjective and can change over time. Striving for a 50/50 split in all things is often unrealistic and can lead to score-keeping and resentment. Instead, successful marriages operate on a model of equity rather than equality. Each partner contributes in different ways at different times, based on their abilities and the needs of the family.
10. Privacy is still necessary
While honesty is crucial, having thoughts, feelings, or experiences that are just your own is normal and can be healthy. This doesn’t mean keeping secrets that affect the relationship, but rather recognizing that being married doesn’t mean you have to share every single thought or experience with your partner. Maintaining some sense of individual identity and privacy can actually enhance intimacy by preserving a little bit of mystery.
11. Money problems can be deal-breakers
Differences in spending habits, financial goals, or attitudes toward money can create deep-seated conflicts that are hard to resolve. Understanding your financial values and those of your partner before marriage, and continuing to have open dialogues about money throughout your relationship, is paramount. Some level of financial disagreement is normal, but fundamental incompatibility in this area can be a significant predictor of marital dissatisfaction and divorce.
12. Your attraction can fluctuate
Physical and emotional attraction can be affected by stress, health issues, life changes, and simply the passage of time. Acknowledging that these fluctuations are normal can alleviate a lot of anxiety. The key is to not panic during low periods but to understand them as part of the natural ebb and flow of a long-term relationship, while still making efforts to maintain connection and intimacy.
13. Some degree of settling is inevitable
While the idea of “settling” is often seen negatively, the reality is that every relationship involves some degree of accepting imperfections. No partner will tick every box or meet every need perfectly. The key is distinguishing between acceptable compromises and settling for fundamental incompatibility or unhappiness. Understanding this can lead to more realistic expectations and greater appreciation for the positive aspects of your partner and relationship.
Enjoy this piece? Give it a like and follow PsychLove for more!
